What Do We Know

There are additional dynamics to domestic violence situations when there are children involved. Whether you are trying to stay more safely or leave... having children makes it more complex.

Domestic Violence has a ENORMOUS impact on children's lives, and there are External and Internal symptoms to children as a result of exposure to domestic violence. Being a bystander to violence may be as traumatic as being direct victim... (And being a helpless child on the other side of a door listening is horrifying).There can also be lasting emotional, behavioral, physical, social & cognitive effects of violence on children.

There is no age at which a child is immune to the effects of exposure to domestic violence.

Domestic Violence is one of, if not thee, most toxic form of exposure to violence for young children. (It happens in the one place where children are suppose to feel safe -- and it takes place between the child's caregivers-- people they love and depend on for all there needs.) We are beginning to understand that a child's reaction to trauma is directly related to a parents ability to cope, and the bond of the relationship between the non-battering parent and the child.

Emotional Effects

Because of Domestic Violence, a child may feel...

Guilt (responsible for violence)
Shame (only happens to them)
Fear (of expressing feelings to others & of the unknown)
Confusion (Conflicted loyalties)
Anger (About the violence)
Depression/helplessness/powerlessness
Grief (over all losses or dissapointments)
Burdened (inappropriate roles as caretaker or parent)

Behavioral Effects

Because of Domestic Violence a child may...

Act out or withdrawal
Be an overachiever or underachiever
Refuse to go to school
Try to be the caretaking - filling adult roles
Be aggressive or passive (bullying or doormat)
Have rigid defenses (sarcastic, blaming, defensive)
Be seeking attention in behaviors
Be bedwetting, or having nightmares
Trouble getting to sleep (anxiety goes up at night)

Physical Effects

Because of Domestic Violence a child may have...

Somatic complaints (headaches, stomach aches)
Nervous, anxious, short attention span
Tired, lethargic (may seem lazy)
Often sick with colds, flu, etc.
Neglect of personal hygiene
Regression in development
No reaction at times to pain (both physical and/or emotional)

Social Effects

Because of Domestic Violence a child may feel...

Isolated (no friends, or has distant relationships)
Relationship with friends may start intensely and end abruptly
Difficulty trusting others
Poor conflict resolutions skills
May be excessively socially involved (get involved with everything -- a way to stay away from home)

Cognitive Effects

Because of Domestic Violence a child...

Feels responsible for violence
Blame others for their behavior
Feel that it's okay to hit others you care about in order to: get what you want; express anger; feel powerful
Low self-esteem
Don't ask for what they need
Don't trust
Feel anger is bad - people get hurt
Being a boy means.. being a girl means... being a parent means...

Trauma Affects...

Regulation of emotional states
Impulse control
Capacity to develop healthy relationships with others
Identification with social norms and values

What Children Need Most

We need to try and understand the non battering parent... and know that she/he is our best chance of helping the children.
Approach each parent with an open mind and heart, and help them do the same with their kids.
When facilitating a conversations between a parent and child make sure there is no negative talk about the other parent.
Create opportunities for families to have good times together.
Do family safety plans...
Children MUST know what to expect in their everyday surroundings.
Give children to tell their stories.
Provide activities to help a child's competence and self-esteem.